A resource for parents from

BEING A GOOD FATHER By Christy Stewart When thinking about their fathers, many adults remember small details - perhaps the feel of his whiskers, the sound of his deep voice, the feel of his big, strong hands or running to keep pace with his long stride.  Even more memorable are emotions, such as the joy of knowing that he beamed with pride at your latest accomplishment or the opposite, crushing feeling of knowing you had disappointed him. Fathers hold a place in their children's hearts that, for better or worse, cannot be filled by anyone else. You are that person now.  You have that great power and responsibility, that opportunity to make a significant difference.  You will never again have an opportunity to do so much good or disappoint so bitterly. The responsibility of caring for children and providing financially for them can be a tremendous burden in today's fast-paced world.  It is easy to get so caught up in the struggle to "provide", that the daily nurturing that children want and need from their fathers falls by the wayside. Chances are both you and your child's mother work long hours, rush to get home in time for dinner (at least a couple of nights a week) and too often feel irritated by the demands of children and household.  Many parents say that because of the long hours away from their children, they are reluctant to set too many limits.  As a result, many describe their children as becoming increasingly demanding or out of control.  This can contribute to a chaotic environment at home, in which it is difficult to provide the love and nurturing that you intend to provide. It is common for fathers to feel pulled in many directions and to feel frustrated by the lack of time available for the people they love and cherish.  Complex dilemmas like these have no easy answers but there are simple things you can do that will make a difference. * Set aside 30 minutes a day when you and your child spend pleasurable time together.  During this time, ignore the phone, the mail and other household distractions.  Let your child know that this is his/her time, that nothing is more important than enjoying it with him/her.  The rapport you build by spending this consistent time together is invaluable. * Set clear, kind limits.  Children feel secure when they know what is expected of them.  Communicate to your child that you know that he/she tries hard to please you and to do what you expect. Acknowledge that most of the time he/she succeeds in doing so.  Be clear that when he/she runs "off the rails", you will be there to step in and stop the inappropriate behaviour - in a caring, concerned manner.  The purpose of these limits is to teach, not to punish. * Solve problems with your child to guide him/her in finding appropriate ways of getting his/her needs met. * Let your child know that it's OK to make mistakes.  When we acknowledge our own mistakes, we model important behaviour.  Help your child to think about mistakes as opportunities for learning.  Teach the importance of taking responsibility for mistakes and the obligation to take action to repair them.  It is important not to inadvertently send your child the message that his/her mistakes are so unacceptable that he/she must hide them from you. * Acknowledge that your child has a wide range of feelings.  Your child needs to learn how to express anger, sadness, frustration, jealousy and disappointment - as well as happiness and love.  When you teach your child to recognise, express and problem solve around feelings you are giving him/her the tools he/she will need to become a happy, well-adjusted adult.  Teach that, while all feelings are accepted, all actions are not.  Your child needs your help in learning to express feelings in socially acceptable ways. Fathers provide a unique and necessary style of nurturing.  Children need both the males and the females in their lives to be consistent sources of nurturing and guidance.  It is the day-in, day-out, interested and loving presence that you provide for your children that is most needed and most appreciated.  Each piggy-back ride, story read, note placed in a lunch box, call from work, time set aside to attend that school event, each special outing and concerned question all communicate your interest and the fact that you care. Don't be afraid of setting boundaries. "Tough love" creates a sense of security and provides opportunities to develop impulse control.  Acknowledging your child's wide range of feelings teaches that there are appropriate ways to express feelings and that feelings are an integral part of interpersonal relationships. Think of your children as thirsty for your presence in their lives.  Time will not stand still.  The choices you make now will shape your relationship with your children in the years to come.  You know better than anyone how precious your children are.  Enjoy them. Christy Stewart is a child development consultant in private practice. Good News Family Care, Charis House, Hardwick Square East, Buxton, Derbyshire SK17 6PT Tel: 01298 24761 Fax: 01298 27027 (10am - 4:45pm Mon-Fri) Fax: 08701 319152 (all other times) - Website: www.gnfc.org.uk