The statistics are overwhelming! 40% of UK marriages end in divorce. In the USA the figure is nearer 50%. What a sad commentary on our society. How many of those marriages did not need to end? How many of them could have been saved? How many broken hearts do we need in this world? How many children will cry themselves to sleep wondering what has happened to their family? Our hearts break each time we hear of another divorce in the making - but it does not have to be this way! We must turn our eyes to our Father in Heaven. He is the ultimate counsellor, the author of marriage... the sustainer of our lives. Marriages that are in trouble now have most likely been on a road to destruction for a long time. It just does not happen overnight! Each partner has played a significant role getting the relationship to where it is today. It takes two people to make a marriage and two people to break it... But just because it is broken does not mean it is the end! Many times each person is convinced that it is the other who has caused the "problem". In most cases this is just not true. We must be willing to sit down and do an honest evaluation of what our part was in getting the marriage to this point. Most marriages dissolve because "needs" are not being met. Did you ever ask you partner what his or her needs are? Are you each willing to meet the needs of your spouse? Are you willing to forgive your spouse? We are all human, and can fall into walking in the "flesh" - we all make mistakes. God has given us the power to forgive. Holding anger and resentment in your heart hurts just one person: YOU! Do you want forgiveness for yourself? Then you must forgive. Jesus asked that we treat others just as He would; with love, honour, respect, forgiveness, patience, forbearance etc. How are you treating your spouse? Do you need to forgive? Release your heart of the pain today, forgive. Call upon Jesus to take the pain away! It does not matter whether the other person is willing to forgive also. You must deal with yourself first! You must see what lies in YOUR own heart, not what lies in your partner's heart. You can't make someone else change, they must make their own decision. If you sincerely want to make your marriage work, start with yourself. You cannot make changes if you only look to blame the other - or concentrate on their faults or actions. Humbly look into your heart and start making your own changes. One of the biggest mistakes we hear people saying is that "someone" is MAKING me unhappy. This is just not possible! Only YOU can make YOU happy. You control your life! Are you ALLOWING someone else get the best of you? Good marriages are always the result of people who have entered the union happy with themselves from the start. They do not look to marriage as the way for them to become happy. It is unfair to your spouse to insist that they are THE ONE who will bring you your happiness. We all change as time passes by. Sometimes the goals we had when first married are not the same. That's OK. Do you take the time to ask one another what your goals are? Are you willing to combine your goals to walk this life together - or are you selfishly wanting everything your own way? Marriage is a combining of two spirits. A oneness, together, to make our way through life as friends, lovers and companions. This requires compromise, unselfish behaviour, love, patience, honesty, loyalty, forgiveness and most of all humility - ALL the time. These things we must do daily to remain lifelong partners in our marriage. It is also important to understand that everyone has needs and hurts. Communication is absolutely essential in a healthy marriage. We must always find time to talk. We must always find the time to see how the other is feeling. We must be willing to bear our souls to our mates when we are hurt....not bury the hurt deep inside until one day, we don't even know the person we are married to. This happens because the anger has risen to such levels, we no longer see him or her with "love". We must be willing every day to look at our spouses as a "Child of God", which we ALL are. Jesus loves both of you.....all the time! He is willing to forgive every time you ask. Can you say the same? Many people go into marriage with expectations that are probably unattainable. Do you need to review your ideas of what marriage is? Open your bible and study God's Word for marriage. Do you know your biblical role as a husband or wife? Did you go into marriage with the idea that "I'll try it"? Solid marriages are built with the knowledge that this is "FOREVER". It is this foundation that keeps the two from wandering too far apart. What is YOUR true vision of marriage? Do you both share that vision? If you honestly desire to make your marriage work, you will need to examine yourself. Then, you will be able to speak to your partner with humility about what YOUR role has been in bringing the marriage to this point. Your own humility should be the base for the other person to examine his or her role also. This may not happen exactly in the timescale that you wish, but you must pray for this person and leave the rest to God. One of you is going to have to break the misery, the silence, the anger, the tears. Work on yourself to become the person that God has intended you to become as husband or wife. Make YOUR life the example! In God, everything is possible! Your marriage can become the marriage that our Father wants for you. Seek God every day, obeying His Word and walk in His light. He can bear your burdens, He can heal the pain and He can bring you both to a brand new life. Give thanks to God today even for the trials in your life. God has a wonderful way of turning our bad times into such joy - don't ever forget that. Keep Him your first priority... always. Please note: The above does not apply to anyone suffering physical or emotional abuse. Anyone engaged in this type of abuse should seek professional counselling. This type of behaviour is not from God. This article is not intended to be a substitute for professional marriage counselling. We strongly urge anyone who has marital problems to seek any professional help they may need. Go to your Church and ask for help. That is what the "community of the Church" is there for. Do not allow pride to prevent you from seeking help. Ending a marriage will just open up a whole new set of problems. Make no mistake: the "sting" of divorce will remain with you the rest of your life. Please, prayerfully consider turning your marriage completely over to God. Some facts that may surprise you: Remarrriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages. Men, women and children all do better in intact, successful first marriages in all areas: health, wealth, satisfaction and success. Work things out and you'll be better off in the long run. Marriages, like everything else, go through slumps - down times. And things often get better on their own over time. "The Case for Marriage" points out that many who said their marriages were at the bottom of the scale on marital satisfaction, when asked again five years later, reported being at the top on marital happiness. When asked what changed, many had no idea. It seems that keeping your vows - hanging in through the "for worse" times - can get you to the promised land. Get married, stay married - what a concept. Recent follow-up research, Does Divorce Make People Happy? fleshes out this earlier research. People going through unhappy periods in their marriage fantasize about getting out of their marriage and falling in love with someone new. It leads to much more happiness - in the long run - if you can fall back in love with the person with whom you have children, extended family and a history. You CAN get past affairs, betrayals, disappointment, boredom and burnout and come out better and stronger than before. Or, perhaps you're in a remarriage and struggling to avoid divorce for a second, third or fourth time? The skills courses that work for first marriages, will also work for you. Take a basic marriage skills course and also search for programs and resources. Marriage education classes aren't just for engaged couples or newlyweds. They work for couples on the brink of divorce - couples in the 'deep end', who feel they've fallen out of love. They also work for cohabiting and remarried couples. You can learn new ways to interact - and by so doing, can fall back in love again. Good News Family Care, Charis House, Hardwick Square East, Buxton, Derbyshire SK17 6PT Tel: 01298 24761 Fax: 01298 27027 (10am 4:45pm Mon-Fri)
Hope and Help for Troubled Marriages
- a Christian perspective
"Come to Me, all you who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
We think if we change partners, our problems will be solved. Not so!
May God Bless you abundantly in your life and in your marriage.
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