What To Do Instead of Shouting and Spanking by Georgia Lewis "I won't!  You can't make me!" "You're not my boss!" "Everyone else's parents said yes" Children will push the boundaries at every stage of development.  Even as they push, however, they desperately need the security of limits. Exercising discipline will not win popularity contests but it's a parent's job to set limits - so that children will be safe, respect others and learn to "do the right thing". How can parents discipline without getting into power struggles, causing undue resentment or resorting to harsh or hurtful methods?  The most effective parents understand that discipline is teaching - not threats, punishment or put-downs.  They guide their children in firm but loving ways. What's wrong with shouting, scolding and spanking? Harsh physical and verbal punishment hurts children physically and emotionally; it teaches them to react in violent ways and robs them of the chance to learn skills they will need throughout life:  problem solving, negotiation and co-operation.  When parents simply give orders, basing their authority on power and fear, children do not develop the inner control they need for self-discipline. The "do-it-or-else" kind of discipline also damages parent-child relationships.  It makes children feel resentful, unloved and angry.  Some become deceitful or afraid to confide in their parents.  Although it may "work" temporarily to stop a certain behaviour, it does so at the expense of long-range parenting goals. What to do instead Whether dealing with toddler tantrums or teenager "back talk", successful parents seem to agree on a few basic principles: * Learn what is typical for the child's age.  Many discipline problems happen because parents expect too much of their children (for example, 2 year olds cannot sit still for hours). * Plan ahead;  tell your child exactly what you want.  ("You can go to Sophie's house, but if you change your plans and go somewhere else, call me first.") * Choose your battles!  Save the heavy-duty rules for important issues, such as safety (for example, un-chaperoned parties) or values-related issues (for example, unkind remarks). * Be consistent so your child will know you mean what you say.  Work with your partner so that your child gets the same messages from both of you. * When your child misbehaves, try to understand why.  What need is not being met?  How could that need be met in an acceptable way? * Give children a lot of attention and encouragement when they are not misbehaving.  Praise them when they co-operate. * Give your child choices (if either choice is OK with you). * Avoid threats and ultimatums ("Do it or else!"). * Try not to nag (you'll soon be "tuned out") or beg (that gives the child too much power). * Don't bribe or make promises you can't keep.  Children do not need elaborate rewards for being good. * Expect mistakes and help your child learn from them ("If that happens again, what can you do differently?"). * To teach children respect, talk to them respectfully - without ridicule, sarcasm, name-calling or humiliation.  Be a positive role model for your child - it is the most powerful form of teaching. Most important, be willing to spend time with your child.  Tune in to your child's unique temperament, needs and strengths.  Build a strong parent-child relationship.  Love and limits go hand in hand.  Good parenting takes time. Discipline tips Crawling babies and toddlers * Prevent discipline problems by childproofing. * Distract and redirect a baby who's heading for trouble, or remove the child from the situation. * Don't call out across the room; instead go to the child with a brief, simple message, such as "That's not for playing with - here's a toy." (See our article on "Baby-proofing Your Kitchen") Young children * Prepare the child for transitions. ("In 10 minutes, it will be time to go.") * Be clear and concrete.  ("Be a good boy" is too abstract.) * Avoid inflexible demands and unrealistic consequences such as "Pick up every single toy right now or I'll throw them all out!" Older children * Enlist the children's help in rule-making. * Give choices, not rigid orders. (They have to do their jobs to do but would they rather do them before or after dinner?) This gives the children some control. * Help children learn from their mistakes. After a tantrum or blow-up, when you are both calm, talk about the incident and talk about how it might have been handled better. If the child deliberately misbehaves, remove a privilege related to the misbehaviour. Adolescents * Be open to change. Rules that fit your family a few years ago may be obsolete now. Let the adolescents help rewrite the rules. * Use conflict resolution and problem-solving skills. Work with your adolescent to find solutions that satisfy both of you. * Listen with respect and empathy but be firm if you are convinced a teenager is about to do something dangerous. Teenagers will argue, oppose and defy; however, they still need your guidance and protection. Georgia Lewis is a Parent Education Specialist. She is the mother of 7 children and grandmother to 7 grandchildren. 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