Sibling Rivalry

There are many myths surrounding the subject of Sibling Rivalry: "It's unavoidable." "Parents shouldn't get involved." "Children outgrow it." "There's nothing you can do."

The fact is there is a great deal parents can do because sibling relationships are shaped in large part by parents' attitudes and actions. Without intending to, many parents reinforce conflict. They may fail to set adequate limits on quarreling and fighting, allowing one child to dominate. They may appear, from their children's point of view, to favour one child, place unfair demands on an older sibling or simply not listen.

Left unchecked, sibling rivalry can harm a child's self-image and cloud lifelong relationships between brothers and sisters. Parents have only to think about their own brothers or sisters. Many adults continue to struggle with issues of competition and favoured status.

While it may not be possible to eliminate all sibling rivalry, you can take practical steps to help your children get along.

Don't ignore it!

Step in when your children argue. If you do not get involved or set limits or make it clear that you expect your children to treat each other with respect, they will assume you accept their behaviour.

Children younger than 5 to 7 years old are too self-centred to understand a brother's or sister's point of view. Supervise your children and give frequent reminders about how to act. For example, say, "If you're angry with Jack, use words but don't hit." You can reason with children older than 7 since they are able to consider another person's feelings and point of view. Try "Let your brother play with you for a while so he won't feel left out."

With your help, siblings may be able to sit down and work out their differences. Encourage your children to come up with a solution each can live with.

Warn your children that if fighting continues, they will lose privileges or have to spend time in their rooms. Don't be too harsh. If children feel they have been punished unfairly, they are unlikely to change their behaviour. They also unlikely to direct their anger at you - for fear of losing your love and approval. Instead, they will focus their frustration on their sibling.

Be fair

Children are often jealous of each other and believe – with or without justification – that they are not receiving a fair share of parents' attention. Be sensitive to your children's desire for fairness. Accept and encourage each of your children, regardless of differences. Avoid labelling or comparing. "Megan's the stubborn one." "I wish you were as outgoing as your brother." If one child is clearly more talented or attractive, all the more reason to give unconditional love and equal attention to all.

Be low key about age differences

If you assign privileges or responsibilities based solely on age, one child will always be angry. "Why does Anna get to watch another video?" While it is natural to expect more of an older child, such expectations can reinforce rivalry. If a child is told, "You should know better than to fight with your sister – go to your room!" he will not come back ready to be more responsible. Instead he will feel unfairly treated and may retaliate against his sister to get rid of his anger. The younger child, seeing the older one blamed, may feel she can get away with bad behaviour. On the other hand, a younger child may become angry if her older sibling is always allowed to play outside later or sit in the front seat of the car.

Listen to your children

If your children feel their complaints are listened to, they will quarrel less. Listen to both sides and ask for suggestions. "Why do you think you have trouble getting along? How can we make things better?"

Talk to your children together or individually, or try a family meeting where each person is allowed to speak without interruption. Agree on at least one action that each family member can take to improve sibling relations.

Listening is particularly important when there is a new baby. If your older child says, "Take him back to the hospital!" she is really expressing insecurity. Tell her, "We know it's hard having a new baby brother." Give her extra attention. The more secure she feels, the more accepting of her sibling she will be.

Spend more time with your children

Many parents mistakenly ignore sibling rivalry because, they believe, it is "only attention-seeking". If children fight to get attention, they may really need some! Make spending time with your children a high priority. Rearrange your timetable, if possible, so you are more available. When you get home from work, don't start immediately on the chores. Instead, talk to your children, sit with them, play a game, or read a book.

As children move into the teenage years and spend less time with the family, encourage "sibling time" when your children go to lunch, play a game, or just hang out in each other's bedroom.

Spending more time with your children will always pay off. It is one more way you can help them decrease their rivalry and form a strong, positive relationship.