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Taming Toddler Tantrums Tantrums are a normal part of growing up. Toddler's aren't bad when they are having a tantrum, they are just acting their age. Almost all children between the ages of one and three have a few temper tantrums. It means they have finally discovered a sense of their own individuality. A temper tantrum every now and then is nothing to worry about; there are bound to be some frustrations. It is also worth remembering that many tantrums are a result of fatigue and hunger, or of the child being in a situation that exceeds his ability to cope. I wish I could give you a cast-iron formula for eliminating tantrums, but I can't. Like most of the childhood's challenging behaviour, it will pass. Here are some suggestions to help minimise tantrums. Discipline with Love Successful discipline can only happen within a loving environment. Your toddler needs to feel important to you and to know that he is loved, wanted, respected and cared for. If children don't have this, it's both difficult and unwise to try to change their behaviour. Be Consistent Young children need to know what the limits are and exactly what is expected of them. They should sense that both parents are in agreement and, above all, in charge! To avoid confusing your child, discipline must be consistent and not dependent on you or your partner's moods. Stay calm yourself Nothing accelerates the intensity of a tantrum more than a worked up parent. Seeing you lose your cool will only make it more difficult for your toddler to compose himself. So: don't argue, don't debate, don't shout and don't lose your temper. Lower your voice and be convincing. Screaming over your toddler's screams will only encourage your toddler to scream louder. A gentle tone of voice assures your toddler that you are in control. If you are to convince your child that you mean business the 'wimps approach' must be discarded: 'Maybe we will do it this way' is interpreted by your child as: 'If you complain and whinge enough you may be able to persuade me to change my mind'. Instead, say to your child: 'This is the way it is going to be'. (Then make sure it is). Do Not get physical Resorting to physical punishment to end a tantrum is a bad idea. You would be punishing your child for something that they are unable to control. Make the environment safe Protect your toddler from dangerous surroundings. Move the child who is "out of control" to a setting that is safer for everyone - and everything. Distraction Some children can be easily distracted during a tantrum while others only get more upset. If your child can be distracted, try reading a favourite book or turn on a favourite tape, CD or DVD. Don't overpower your child It can be very intimidating to a young child to have a bigger person towering over them. Bending down or sitting on the floor will help to even out the situation, making it easier to communicate with your child. Try to maintain eye contact, speak in clear, short sentences and don't nag (otherwise you will always have to nag to get attention). Ignore Sometimes the best course of action is no action at all. Develop selective blindness and deafness. Your toddler will quickly realise that it's no fun getting worked up when no one is watching. Obviously this is not feasible in a crowded store or a public place (see below for more information on how to handle a 'public' tantrum). Time-Out For some children, especially older ones, a 'time-out' provides a much needed cooling off period. Sending a child to his room for ten minutes not only shows him who is in charge it gives him time to calm down and take control of himself and the situation. Public Tantrums We all dread the thought of a public tantrum but they will almost inevitably occur sooner or later. Here are some tips on how to handle the situation. Prevention Avoid public outings at times of the day when your toddler is especially prone to tantrums. A hungry, tired, bored or overextended child is a recipe for disaster. Distraction Learn to recognise the triggers that lead to bad behaviour. Whenever you are out in public and sense a tantrum in the making, try a quick change of subject. For example: toddlers love to 'help' by taking things off supermarket shelves and dropping them on the floor. Why not harness this endearing quality and put your toddler in charge of placing the items you hand to him into the trolley. This will mean 'throwing' them in of course, so fragile items will need to be 'sneaked' in (along with the tempting ones like chocolate biscuits!) Isolation If distraction isn't the key, try moving your toddler to a more private place. Pick him up firmly, not violently, and carry him elsewhere. Going outside or to the toilets should work. If your toddler is used to a time out, give him one now. Just because you are in public doesn't mean you should change your method of discipline. If you don't follow through with the same discipline as you would in a more private place this will only encourage your child to misbehave in public more often. Your child should be kept on track with firmness, consistency and more importantly, love. Ignore the onlookers Unfortunately some people truly have nothing better to do than to scrutinise the parenting skills of others. Learn to ignore the nosey parkers when you are in this situation. This tantrum is between your toddler and you...no one else. Concentrate on the task at hand and keep your cool. Reinforcement - encourage good behaviour Praise your child for good behaviour whenever you come home from a tantrum-free trip. Reward desirable behaviour with encouragement, interest, warmth, fun and attention. More tangible rewards may be given - but make sure they are genuine rewards and not 'bribes'. Don't give in It might seem hard to believe but studies have shown that your toddler wants you to be in charge - so don't be afraid to be firm. No matter how tempted you may be, do not give in to his demands just to get some peace. Doing so will give your child confusing messages and feed and encourage the next tantrum. When you mean business speak with conviction and, most importantly, see it through. After the tantrum When the tantrums over, let it go. If your toddler manages to compose himself quickly, offer praise. Don't rehash the tantrum or lecture your child about it. Most toddlers enjoy being hugged after a tantrum, as a reassurance of your love for them. Finally.... Child care is not a scientific experiment that must be taken seriously at all times. It is OK to relax the rules, to trust your intuition and to ENJOY your fun-loving toddler. Good News Family Care, Charis House, Hardwick Square East, Buxton, Derbyshire SK17 6PT Tel: 01298 24761 Fax: 01298 27027 (10am - 4:45pm Mon-Fri) Fax: 08701 319152 (all other times) - Website: www.gnfc.org.uk